Things not to say

Dear Friend, Acquaintance, Co-worker, Stranger Who Sat Next To Me With Whom I Struck Up A Conversation With While Dining At My Local Sushi Bar,

There are some things you just don't say to someone who is trying to adopt children. Now, as a public service announcement, allow me to delineate my top four Worst Things to Say to Someone Who's Trying To Adopt:

1) Don't you want children of your own? Of your own blood?

Gee, Sherlock, I never thought of that. Yes, I do want children of my own. Any children I adopt will be children of my own. Just because my biology and theirs isn't the same has absolutely no bearing on them being family. I want to ask these people, "gee, don't you want a spouse of your own?" because, unless you're engaging in behavior that is illegal in all but a few backward southern states, the person you marry isn't "of your own blood," either. You sort of have to... gee, I don't know... I'm looking for a word... yes, got it: you have to sort of adopt each other when you get married, since you're not the same blood and all.

2) Gosh, brother, how many times does the Lord have to say "no" to you two guys? I mean, you've been trying to adopt for quite a while now. Maybe He's trying to tell you something.

Well, bro, I don't know. Maybe He's using this time to help me and my wife to grow, so we'll be ready for the right child/children. Maybe there's a little person (or group of little people) out there who He knows need something more before they become ours and we become theirs. Maybe His ways are not our ways. All I know is A) I am called to trust and B) caring for widows and orphans is a biblical mandate - look it up .

3) You know, you need to be careful adopting children. I know someone who knows someone who adopted three little girls, and the oldest one ended up (fill in the blanks here, but common statements have included) on drugs and dropping out of school and skinning the cat and burning down the house and shooting the President and disrupting the Mideast peace accords and aiding Al-Qaeda and flying one of the 9-11 planes and hanging out with Osama bin Laden, Charles Manson and/or Adolph Hitler, often all at once.

Well, well, well. In my previous post, I wrote about becoming enchanted with the Anne of Green Gables stories. The original novel was published in 1908, and was set in roughly the same time period. As the story begins, elderly spinster Marilla Cuthbert and her bachelor brother, Matthew, wish to adopt a boy to help work on their farm, Green Gables. Marilla's friend and neighbor, Rachel Lynde, has this to say about their plan:

"Well, I hope it will turn out all right," said Mrs. Rachel in a tone that plainly indicated her painful doubts. "Only don't say I didn't warn you if he burns Green Gables down or puts strychnine in the well--I heard of a case over in New Brunswick where an orphan asylum child did that and the whole family died in fearful agonies. Only, it was a girl in that instance."

Strychnine down the well. Yes, indeedy, happens every day. Gotta watch them orphan kids - better to have child of your own.

4) Well, you know what'll happen once you adopt, right? You'll get pregnant! It happened to my brother's sister-in-law's third cousin twice removed. Yep, you just wait - you go through with this adoption, and you'll end up having one of your own.

In case the message isn't clear enough, adopted children are our "own" children. Geez, people, keep up. Katrina particularly despises this one, because it implies "well, you didn't listen, and went ahead with this whole hare-brained adoption scheme. Serves you right."

At the end of it all, if we did get pregnant, our family would simply expand by one more member, much the way all those normal people get their "own" children.


So, bear these four thoughts in mind the next time you run into someone who is talking about adoption. Trust me, if they're anything like us (and they probably share a lot of the same feelings of heartache we've endured), then, take it from me, they've heard it.



Just shut up and love them, and their children, when they come.